


Take the pain away

by Markuli



Series: Whumptober 2019 [1]
Category: Left 4 Dead (Video Games)
Genre: Angst, Blood, Blood and Injury, Character Death, Death, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Nightmares, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Stabbing, Trauma, Whumptober, Whumptober 2019, dying, spoilers in the tags, stabbed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-04
Updated: 2019-10-04
Packaged: 2020-11-23 00:08:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,473
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20882918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Markuli/pseuds/Markuli
Summary: Whumptober 2019, prompt 1 - stabbedIt's been two years since the zombie apocalypse, yet Nick still can't get over his paranoia and night terrors. Ellis learns what to do whenever he has a nightmare, until one day he finds himself in a risky situation which could result in him or his boyfriend getting hurt if he tried to wake him up.





	Take the pain away

It was Nick’s heavy breathing that woke him up. He was probably having a nightmare again. Ellis slowly opened his eyes and tried to focus on something to fully wake up. He blinked a few times, trying to find something to focus on in the dark room. Everything was pitch black at first, so he rubbed his eyes to see more clearly. He looked around their room, focusing on the window. After his vision got cleared again, he sat down to turn on the light switch to a lamp on his bedside table. The colour of the light was warm, not too strong, but Ellis couldn’t help squinting his eyes a little anyway. After his eyes got used to the light, he sat closer to Nick. Ellis was facing his back, so he got even closer to see Nick’s face.

Ellis was used to Nick having nightmares, but it always sent a pierce through his heart to see Nick’s expression when he had one of them. Nick often tried to hide his emotions, especially emotions like sadness or fear, and Ellis still couldn’t get used to seeing these expressions on Nick’s face, even if it was a nightmare causing them. But at the same time, Ellis was glad he was the only one who got to see Nick like this. Like he was the only one who actually knew him, the real him. He got to see the fragile part of Nick that nobody else did, which made Ellis feel special. And it warmed his heart even more to know that Nick was aware of the way he acts when he’s having a nightmare, but he doesn’t mind Ellis seeing him like that. 

There was trust between them that couldn’t be broken at this point. 

Ellis always tried to wake Nick up in the most gentle way possible, but Nick never had the same reaction. Sometimes he’d wake up slowly, blinking a few times and forgetting where he was for a moment, but sometimes he’d wake up screaming until Ellis held him until he calmed down. And if he woke him up too harshly, he’d even throw punches at him without realizing it. So he tried to be more soft instead.

He looked at Nick’s face and wondered what was his nightmare about. He had a pained expression and he was still breathing heavily. He let out a quiet groan. His arms were tense and his leg was kicking occasionally. His whole body was shaking, as if he was cold. Or scared. 

Ellis removed a strand of hair from his forehead and placed it back to his slicked back hair. He placed his hand on his blanket covered arm and rubbed small, soothing light circles on it to ease the tension in his upper body. He felt his arm relax under his hand, but it didn’t seem like his nightmare was over. He petted his cheek and placed a kiss in his hair. It smelled of shampoo, the kind that Ellis always found so comforting whenever he got close to Nick. But Nick didn’t seem like he was going to wake up by Ellis’s gentle pats and kisses. Sometimes he’d squeeze Nick’s hand to wake him up, but his hand was under the covers and it seemed to be holding it tightly.

So he tried to whisper.

“Nick? Nick, wake up,“ he whispered against his ear and shook his shoulder a little. He tried not to be too fast or too harsh, because last time Ellis woke him up he accidentally pressed on his arm too much which lead to Nick get so startled he almost hit Ellis in the face with his elbow. 

„Nick? Come on, darlin‘, don’t make this hard for me,“ He smiled and patted his shoulder.

But Nick didn’t budge, but he wrinkled his eyebrows, so maybe Nick actually heard him. 

Ellis sighed. He wanted to help him so much. He made a saddened frown just thinking about it. It’s been two years since the zombie apocalypse, yet Nick still struggled with these night terrors. He couldn’t blame him, some of the things they’ve seen were burned into his mind forever. But sometimes it seemed like he was only getting worse. The nightmares made Nick feel restless or tired sometimes. Ellis thought it would be a good idea if Nick talked about his nightmares with someone, since he didn’t always feel like sharing them with him, but it was no use. Nick didn’t want to let anyone know about it, he thought it would make him seem weak. 

Ellis just wanted to help him, he wished he would be able to take all his demons away and make him feel better again. But Nick felt like Ellis was doing too much for him already, even though he wouldn’t say it out loud. And even though Nick could be cold sometimes, he showed his affecion and love in some ways that could be easily overseen. But Ellis always noticed the hints and they always warmed his heart up.

_One day, I‘lll take the pain away, he thought._

_I’ll be the one to make him feel okay again._

He knew he would find a way to help Nick one day. He was determined to make him feel better, no matter how. He knew it would take a while, but it would be possible. He would be able to make sleep peacefully again. Make him feel safe, make him not feel so paranoid about everything. He would make him stop locking all the doors in their house, checking the windows so many times a day, or stop him from keeping his knife on his bedside table-

Wait. 

Where was the knife?

Nick’s hand under the cover twitched, and that pulled Ellis out of his thoughts. The motion startled Ellis a little. 

Nick wasn’t holding the covers, was he?

Ellis’s eyes widened.

_Okay, okay, stay calm, _ Ellis thought. _He probably took it in his sleep, right? I just have to be really careful now, if he wakes up like the last time, he might hurt himself… or me._

Why did he have the knife? Did he actually take it while being asleep, or did he take it because of his paranoia?

Nick started trembling even more.

He made quiet, pained sounds that tore Ellis‘ heart to tiny pieces.

„Okay, don’t worry Nick, I’ll wake you up in a sec, just let me… take this first,“ Ellis said, as if Nick could hear him. „We don’t want you to get hurt, do we now?“ He knelt and leant over to Nick’s side of the bed. He placed his hand on the bed to secure himself from falling, and he carefully removed the covers from where Nick arm was with his other hand. 

And as he thought, it revealed Nick’s hand, holding the knife in a firm grip.

Ellis inhaled as he slowly reached for the knife. 

He gently touched Nick’s fingers which made Nick’s arm jump a little.

„Don’t worry hun, it’s jus‘ me,“ He whispered in the sweetest tone to his lover’s ear. He pet Nick’s fingers and noticed that his own hand was shaking. He knew Nick would never hurt him on purpose, but he never knew what Nick could do while being asleep. 

And he was well aware of the fact that Nick could hurt him with the knife if he wasn’t careful, but the most important thing for him was getting Nick out of danger first. He was his numer one priority now. If Nick would accidentally hurt himself with the knife, Ellis would blame himself forever.

After Nick’s breathing calmed down a little, he put his fingers around the part of the knife handle that Nick wasn’t holding, and tried to pull in from Nick’s tight grip. But it was no use. Nick held the knife so tightly that Ellis was surprised he didn’t break the handle. So Ellis went for his fingers instead. He tried to pry his fingers open, gently at first. 

„Come on, Nick,“ Ellis put more strenght into it and removed his hand from the bed to pull at the knife, and finally, he started to feel how Nick’s grip started to go weaker.

_Just a little bit more, _ he thought.

He almost had it.

And then he accidentally brushed his elbow against Nick’s arm little too hard.

Nick’s eyes snapped open and his grip tightened again.

Nick’s reflexes were too fast for Ellis to react.

He turned around the fastes way possible with the knife in his hand, and then-

A sharp pain.

Right under his throat. 

His breath cuts off.

What’s happening? What’s that pain? 

He wants to breathe, but he can’t. There is something stuck in his throat. He touches his throat with both of his hands and feels a sharp object piercing through his skin.

That’s not supposed to be there, is it?

He starts to feel tears burning in his eyes. 

His eyes can’t focus, but he feels someone grabbing him and calling out for his name.

It’s Nick. Nick’s here. He’ll help him, right?

„Oh fuck, fuck, Ellis, I’m sorry, I- I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to, FUCK!“ 

Nick is panicking and there are tears running down his face. Ellis had never seen him like this, so scared, so devastated.

„Shit, I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to do-“ 

Why is he crying?

Did something happen?

He can hear himself wheeze and whimper. 

Then he starts to shake and cough.

Blood spurts right out of his mouth, spilling on his chest.

Oh.

_Oh._

That’s right…

He got stabbed, didn’t he? 

The thing that made him clutch his throat…

It was the knife Nick held.

Nick.

_Nick?_

Did he…

He did.

He chokes on his own blood. 

His muscles start to feel heavy.

Then the voice again. 

„Ellis, please, forgive me, I didn’t… El, don’t, don’t leave me, please,…“ Nick cried out, voice shaking.

Ellis clutched his own throat harder, trying to get the oxygen he needed, trying to stop the bleeding, the pain. He feels the sicky liquid against his hands running down. His eyes were wide, trying to look for something, for Nick, even though he was right in front of him. 

He felt a warm hand on his cheek, and then he felt something tugging at the knife, and then the pain again, worse than before.

It was unbearable.

His body failed him and he fell back on the bed.

More blood was coughed out, running down his chin.

He was squeezing his throat hard now, and he felt his respiratory tract getting cleared again, only to be filled with blood in seconds.

He looked at Nick, and then at his bloodied hands, which held the knife he had in his throat a second ago. It was covered in a dark shade of red.

He pulled out the knife, but it only seemed to get worse.

The tears spilled from his own eyes.

„Fuck, I’m sorry, I’m sorry! I wanted to- I’m…I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…“ 

Nick held him in his arms, not knowing what to say or do. His whole body was shaking. He was in shock.

Ellis‘ vision started to get blurry, but he could finally focus on his lover. He wanted to tell him it’s not his fault, he wanted to tell him how much he loves him, but he could only make small, heartbreaking sounds. The blood filled his mouth, he could taste it and felt it dripping down. Nick’s face got some of it on, too. He wanted to apologize, but his vocal chords weren’t working. He could only whine quietly.

So he raised his hand and put it on Nick’s cheek. He made slow, soothing motions with his fingers. His bones felt so heavy though. 

„Ell-s, ple--, don’t ---, don’t le-- me, plea-e, stay with –e--“ 

He could barely hear his words anymore.

It felt like his voice was cutting off. 

Ellis‘ eyelids were getting heavy. 

But he could still see him.

He was so beautiful.

The way his eyes shined. He could see a whole new world in them.

And his lips… he wanted to kiss them so bad…

And his cheeks, and jaw… the way it scratched his face or hand whenever he kissed him…

He smiled at the thought.

He was already getting tired.

Nick pressed his forehead against his and whispered to him, but he didn’t know what he said.

He could hear static. He thought he heard Nick’s voice, but it seemed so far away.

He could still sense Nick being there though. His warmth. It made him remember the moments they spent together. When they laughed together. When saved one another. When they held hands. When they kissed. When they made love. When Nick said he loves him for the first time.

Nick’s tears fell on Ellis‘ face, but he couldn’t really feel them anymore. 

„Ellis, Ellis, I love you, please, don’t… don’t leave.“

He heard that one, clear as a day.

Ellis wanted to say it back, but he couldn’t. 

So he squeezed Nick’s hand, even though he barely had any strenght anymore. He wondered if Nick even felt it.

He wanted to apologize so much.

_I was supposed to take his pain away._

_I was supposed to be the one to make him feel okay again._

He didn’t want to leave him alone. 

But he was so tired. 

His lungs barely worked at this point.

He believed that tomorrow will fix everything. Everything will be okay. Maybe this is all a bad dream. 

Maybe he’d wake up in the morning. 

But for now, he needed to close his eyes. 

„No, no, Ellis, don’t close your eyes, don’t— „

„Don’t worry Nick, I’ll be okay… I love you.“

He whispered, but no words came out of his mouth.

He wished he didn’t make Nick feel so sad. He wished he didn’t have to go. Nick will be… Nick will be so… so… 

He forgot the word already.

For a second, he forgot why Nick was crying again. Why would he cry? They were together, and Nick held him so tight, and he felt so warm… 

The moment seemed so beautiful.

He watched the fog and static consume his vision.

Ellis looked at his crying lover once again, and smiled.

He felt like he was falling, slowly. Nothing hurt anymore. He felt like everything around him was moving, yet it wasn’t. Then his vision got comletely black.

The last thing he heard was Nick’s soothing voice against his ear.

And then he heard his own, cracking voice in his ears.

„I love you too, Nick“

At last, he let the darkness embrace him.

And he closed his eyes, for the last time.

Hoping that one day, he’ll take his pain away.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, I hope you liked this fic! Feel free to leave a comment so I know what you think. Also, sorry for the typos, autocorrect and english.


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